A and A's Movie A Day

Watching movies until we run out.

Movie 408 – When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth – April 12th, 2011

Back when we bought Moon Zero Two on DVD, a purchase I still stand by because that movie rocks, we got this along with it. Not on purpose, it was just on the same disc so it was sort of part of the price we paid. But hey, we intentionally bought Moon Zero Two and a number of other ridiculous cheesy movies. So no big deal, right? We had no idea what it was we had brought into our collection. Honestly, I was left a little speechless when it was over. Not that I was speechless through the movie itself. I mocked it mercilessly. But yeah. Reviewing it? Where do I begin?

First off, it’s not in English. This is amusing to me mostly because when we were looking for it to put in tonight we came upon Santo Frente a la Muerte, which we bought on a whim. Sadly, while we knew it would be in Spanish we didn’t realize the DVD had no dubbing or subtitling. And we bemoaned having to keep it out of the project because we can’t understand enough of it (we did watch the whole thing). Then we put this in and. Well. There’s a voiceover at the beginning telling us:

“A time of beginnings, of darkness, of light, of the sun, the earth, the sea, of man! The beginnings of man living with man, by the sea, in the mountains. The beginning of love, hate, and fear. Man’s fear of the unknown. Man’s fear lest the sun should leave him, leave him alone in everlasting darkness. A time when the color of a woman’s hair condemned her to sacrifice to the sun. A time when there was as yet no moon.”

And thus ends the English language portion of our film. The rest of the movie is in a created language and there are no subtitles. We checked. I demanded that we check. Because it was all “Neecro! M’kan! Akita!” and so on and so forth. And that’s the whole movie. From beginning to end. Your only hope of understanding what’s going on is to watch the actors and try to distinguish one shaggy-haired man with a beard from another shaggy-haired man with a beard and one tribe of be-loinclothed folks from another.

Part of my problem was that since the language is mostly single word statements, figuring out what’s a name and what’s not was tricky for everyone but the two leads. Everyone else just sort of mingles together. I know Sanna, our female lead, starts out in a tribe that sacrifices women with blond hair, apparently to appease the sun or a sun god, not that it matters since they’re pretty much the same thing to these folks as far as the movie’s concerned. Anyhow, the ceremony gets interrupted, Sanna gets swept out to sea and ends up rescued by a fishing boat from another tribe. The new tribe live by the sea and hunt dinosaurs and go fishing and Sanna builds herself a hut way off to the side and her rescuer, Tara, comes and romances her. But it’s not long before the new tribe decides Sanna’s blond hair is evil and she’s got to die. I think. There’s some rivalry with one of the brunettes too, but honestly I don’t care.

The rest of the movie deals with Sanna escaping and living on her own and Tara finding her and them having sex and the tribe chasing them and hunting them and there are dinosaurs and one of them listens to Sanna when she tells it “neecha! akita!” which IMDB tells me means “bad! look!” but dude, they say “akita” a lot and it doesn’t always make sense. I stopped trying to figure it out early on. So once Sanna escapes it’s sort of one dangerous event after another. There’s a snake and a giant carnivorous plant and a pterodactyl and the friendly dinosaur and a giant crab and a tidal wave and some prehistoric liturgical dance and some rolling around in the sand in fear that the sun’s gone out or something like that. Suffice it to say that stuff happens and we see lots of butts.

This movie is chock full of scantily clad men and women. The costumes they’re wearing don’t even begin to cover them up. Nipples are in evidence everywhere and oh, so many bottoms. Bottoms everywhere. It’s a movie full of skin, which is part of the point. I mean, it’s pretty clear that this movie is meant to be eye candy for anyone who likes burly guys and buxom gals (especially buxom gals, but really, the men are on display too). There’s lots of heaving and bouncing and bending over and rolling around and they’re always sweaty and tanned and greasy and so on. You just sort of have to either be into that or let it wash over you.

The truly odd bit for me is the combination of things that make up this movie. Because there’s the ridiculous language and the thoroughly wooden acting of the man playing Tara (he’s got a few shots where he’s supposed to be reacting to something important and he just stares blankly at the camera). And there’s the skin and tight costumes and humans and dinosaurs living together. And then there are the dinosaurs themselves. There are a couple of instances of iguanas and little crocodiles with horns stuck on, but mostly? The dinosaurs are really quite excellently done stop motion animation. It’s bizarre. It’s a thoroughly inexplicable movie and I don’t know what else to say about it. I don’t recommend it and I’m baffled at owning it, but in a perverse way I’m glad we’ve seen it. It’s just something so uniquely odd and that’s all I can say about it.

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April 12, 2011 - Posted by | daily reviews

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